MUSICAL TERMS MISUNDERSTOOD BY COUNTRY AND WESTERN MUSICIANS

Diminished Fifth - An empty bottle of Jack Daniels

Perfect Fifth - A full bottle of Jack Daniels

Ritard - There's one in every family

Relative Major - An uncle in the Marine Corps

Relative Minor - A girlfriend

Big Band - When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players

Pianissimo - "Refill this beer bottle"

Repeat - What you do untill they just expel you

Treble - Women ain't nothin' but

Bass - The things you run around in softball

Portamento - A foreign country you've always wanted to see

Conductor - The man who punches your ticket to Birmingham

Arpeggio - "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?"

Tempo - Good choice for a used car

A 440 - The highway that runs around Nashville

Transpositions - Men who wear dresses

Cut Time - Parole

Order of Sharps - What a wimp gets at the bar

Passing Tone - Frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues

Middle C - The only fruit drink you can afford when food stamps are low

Perfect Pitch - The smooth coating on a freshly paved road

Tuba - A compound word: "Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll Cream!"

Cadenza - That ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes

Whole Note - What's due after falling to pay the mortgage for a year

Clef - What you try never to fall off of

Bass Clef - Where you wind up if you do fall off

Altos - Not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes" or "Dori-toes"

Minor Third - Your approximate age and grade at the completion of formal schooling

Melodic Minor - Loretta Lynn's singing dad

12 Tone Scale - The thing the State Police weight your tractor trailer truck with

Quarter Tone - What you get from a bad cold or hay fever

Sonata - What you get from a bad cold or hay fever

Clarinet - Name used on your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo

Cello - The proper way to answer the phone

Bassoon - Typical response when asked what you hope to catch, and when

French Horn - Your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you in at 4am

Cymbal - What they use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to sight-in your pistol with

Bossa Nova - The car your foreman drives

Time Signature - What you need from your bass if you forget to clock in

First Inversion - Grandpa's battle group at Normandy

Staccato - How you did all the ceilings in your mobile home

Major Scale - What you say after chasing wild game up a mountain: "Darn! That was a major scale!"

Aeolian Mode - How you like Mama's cherry pie

Bach Chorale - The Place behind the barn where you keep the horses